holly

going to the principal's office

Somebody at the sleep center tattled on me. I'm guessing it was someone who thought/thinks the doctor is going to "make" me return there, because his office person called before I was well in the door from class yesterday.

I was not in the mood. At all.

The sleep center called, and the wants you to come in and discuss this, the office person said.

I will not, WILL NOT call her "the girl."

I also will not, will not use the term "tattletale."

Or...maybe I will. SNITCHES.

"Oh, I can come in and discuss it," I said--although I'd rather go to the dentist. Really. Of all the medical stuff I'd rather do without, I'm ready to get my toofs did. "But I'm not going back to that place, so if he has that in his head, he can get some other idea."

OK. So I go tomorrow.

By last night, still sleepless, I had begun to doubt myself, because as I have mentioned here, I have been having memory issues for a while now. Surely the sleep center/cpap titration episode could not have been that bad. When I hear myself tell it, it just sounds bizarre and paranoid. I must have overreacted. I called my mom, who basically said even if I did overreact, so what? When someone says, "I can't breathe," that's pretty straightforward.

And as I turn it over in my mind, I'm absolutely clear on that. I repeatedly said, "I can't breathe." I even said specifically, "It feels like someone has their hand over my face trying to smother me."

Although the tech had know way of knowing this, yes I do know exactly what that feels like, and so there may have been some flash-backery at play. Doesn't matter. What matters is, I said take it off, and she tightened it. And as I debated these things in my head, how much was real and how much--if any--was PTSD drama, I realized my screaming headache was largely in my face. I had some back-of-the-skull stress ache (all the way down my neck, in fact) and some top-of-the-skull lack-of-sleep ache, but I also had some under-the-eyes and across-the-bridge-of-my-nose ache.

This is not the first time my body's reluctance to bruise has worked against me. However, the entire thing did take place on camera, so in the end there will be no she said, she said. Unless something happened to the footage, in which case I'm going to take that as a sign I should hire a kneecapper.

Ok, not really. But it's a nice fantasy.

I am dreading this visit though, and not only because winter has finally arrived and I have a winter driving phobia. I really do feel like I've been summoned to court. But I am not Lucy, and I am not the one who should be doing the 'splaining.

The thing I am most angry about is how angry I still am. Seething with rage. It just keeps bubbling up, and to a degree I honestly find frightening.
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